[2024-09-29 note: This was previously posted on Cohost, on 2023-06-21 at https://cohost.org/ireneista/post/1730233-how-toxic-masculinit but the irenes.space URL is the permanent one.]
So there's a thing we want to describe about toxic masculinity and how it flourishes. We think it's important for people on the left to think about because the counters to it are only obvious when you understand what they're for.
The pattern we're going to describe is not a universal one, there are certainly exceptions to it. Also, it does come up occasionally in other contexts beyond toxic masculinity. We're just trying to set the stage by describing the place we see it most.
The pattern is this: People who are part of this culture tell each other, early and often, that they are all worthless.
They say things like: There's no reason any woman would want anyone here, because we're all worthless.
(Yes, positioning women as a prize to be won is also a very serious problem in its own right.)
They say things like: Nobody here is ever going to get a top tier job, we're all just regular people.
They say things like: Only a select few can be the best at things, and that isn't anyone here.
[TW domestic abuse] People who've studied domestic abuse will be aware that it's very common for abusers to attack their victims' sense of self worth. That makes it harder for victims to escape, because it's hard to *want* to escape when you're convinced you're inferior.
Amazing example from a friend (@agape-snakey):
They say things like: "You are not special. You're not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We're all part of the same compost heap. We're all singing, all dancing crap of the world."
(direct example from Fight Club)
When you're convinced of your own worthlessness, it becomes easy for anyone to control you - an individual, or a group. All they have to do is make you feel like you matter *to them*, even though, in the world view they taught you, you wouldn't matter to anyone else.
You may also recognize this as something that a certain type of bad manager is very prone to: constantly insulting their reports and blaming them for things.
It serves the same purpose. It keeps people within that social group (or group of coworkers) when they should be going anyplace else, for their own well being.
One common direction that this can go in, if an entire subculture convinces each other that everyone in it is worthless, is everyone winds up convinced that they have to lie and cheat and steal to get ahead.
That's quite common in some (not all) competitive videogame communities. Everyone insults each other all the time, everyone tries to cheat and use other dirty tricks.
If you accept the premise that you are not and cannot be actually good at anything, it follows logically that any minor advantage you have should be guarded jealously - because you could easily lose it.
If you accept the premise that you will never be one of the best, because the best are inherently different from people like you... Then it follows logically that you should cheat, because fair play was never an option. Besides, everybody does it, right?
(Wrong! Just btw)
We want to point out that this cultural pattern is a really, really dark one. Wherever you are in the social system it creates - the top, the bottom, the middle - it leaves everyone resenting each other, with no room for human connection.
It's not something that leads to any kind of happiness we would personally ever want to seek, even for the people who are supposedly successful by the criteria the "you're all worthless" pattern sets out.
By now you may have guessed the counter to this, and it's a very simple one.
Everybody has intrinsic worth as a person. Everyone. No exceptions. Yes, even you.
Say it early, say it often, say it loud. Everyone has intrinsic worth. That's how it works.
The whole worthlessness thing? It's a lie, plain and simple. Even in the original context of dating, we have been around long enough to say confidently that everyone has something to offer if they let themselves.
You don't need some special hook to get the attention of romantic prospects. All you need is to treat people with respect, to put kindness out into the world and help people around you.
And you need to treat people as equals, not in a transactional way where you've got a hidden agenda that you want them to play a part in. That's pretty important.
Even in highly competitive contexts - high-paying jobs, competitive gaming - people certainly have advantages and disadvantages based on what kind of education they've had, what disabilities they have, how society sees them, all that stuff. That's real. But...
... even in those contexts, treating it as a zero sum winner takes all thing is not going to make anybody happy. That's just a constant treadmill.
The entire concept of sportsmanship is a counter to the "we're all worthless" pattern. The idea is that a sporting event enriches everyone who plays it, that it brings everyone together around their shared love of the game.
You can just as well apply that to STEM jobs, or to any career. The pursuit brings us together, it's nice to be doing well personally but it's more important to have a positive effect on each other.
None of the conflict we're describing is new. This has been a fundamental tension in society for a long time.
It would be easy to oversimplify it and say that it's become a partisan issue, but we actually don't think that's true. You can find people of all political backgrounds who treat people well at a personal level, and you can find the toxic pattern everywhere too.
What is true is that the political right has made a habit of mocking anyone who tries to spread love and positivity.
The mockery often sounds like: "How can everyone be special?" "You're only saying this to hide your own inadequacy." (There's usually more slurs involved, but we've tried to capture the essence.)
Those are mischaracterizations of the fundamental position, which is that everyone has intrinsic worth.
Your worth as a person is not tied to your performance at any particular task, or to any kind of measurement at all. Everyone is worthwhile.
They may not always be intentional mischaracterizations. Cultural fragmentation these days is so severe that there are people out there who have never heard the formulation we've just given, only parodies of it which they've mistaken for real.
We feel profound sympathy for anyone who has closed themselves off from human warmth like that. It's unfortunately quite common. We all need to be part of building a society that teaches a better way.
So. The next time you hear somebody telling people they're worthless... Think about whether you can set an example of how to do better. Treat everyone like they matter (because they do). Be visible and obvious about it.
In competitive settings, one easy way to defuse that kind of insult is to point out that it's bad team spirit, that it will become a self fulfilling prophecy and ensure that everyone loses.
In other situations you may have to get creative. Pace yourself, don't spend your spoons too fast or anything, but just... Be an example. Be the culture you want to see.
Thank you.
[This was posted to Twitter in May of 2021, over at https://twitter.com/ireneista/status/1396677083359711241. It is reproduced here with only minor edits to better adapt it to Cohost's format.]